monday

don't you hate it when other people point things out in your life that you yourself are unsure of? they may not mean to in a negative way but it happens. for a person like me that just leads to those little unsurities eating me up. for instance, I have a job for the next three months taking over for someone who's temporarily on leave. What happens after that? I have no idea really. I'll have to find other work. as for my degree i still don't know what to do with it exactly. its made me realize a lot of the bs they told me in high school a little too late I guess.
then there's the fact that i'm not real outgoing. most of the time i'm fine with this. i accept it. but lord sometimes i just wish i could be more out there and i mostly wish this for the sake of others. i hate ruining other people's good times. get me in a crowd of people i don't really know and that's exactly what happens to the person i came with. at least that's what i think.
i hate losing faith in myself. i hate feeling that i'm not really good at anything...that maybe the best i can really do is cook in some old folk's home...because deep down i know that isn't true.
i just feel so incredibly crappy right now and i can't even articulate some of the reasons why.

Moved

A lot has been happening this month. It's so busy. Moving. Graduating (okay, technically that happened last month...). Working more. And all in all I'm pretty satisfied.

Of course I could be more satisfied, but who couldn't? I know that there are things in my life I want to change, but there are also some positive new things. The moving, for instance. A place with my guy. We've only waited almost seven years to live together... =)

I think this is the most satisfying thing at the moment. My job isn't. I have a BA and I'm still cooking for a living. Ugh. But I know that this will change. I'm confident that I'll find something better, something that will make better use of my talents.

So now I bide my time. I enjoy what I have and who I have in my life. And that's just fine by me. And while I bide...I write.


P.S. Dan's a Turkey.

Sing Your Life

simple as that...Morrissey amazes me




Sing Your Life

Sing your life
Any fool can think of words that rhyme
Many others do
Why don't you ?
Do you want to ?
Oh...
Sing your life
Walk right up to the microphone
And name
All the things you love
All the things that you loathe

Oh, sing your life
The things that you love
And the things you loathe
Oh, sing your life
Oh, sing your life


La, la-la, la-la, sing your life
La, la-la, la-la, sing your life


Others sang your life
But now is a chance to shine
And have the pleasure of
Saying what you mean
Have the pleasure of
Meaning what you sing
Oh, make no mistake my friend
All of this will end
So sing it now (sing your life)
All the things you love (sing your life)
All the things you loathe
Oh, sing your life
The things that you love
And the things you loathe (sing your life)
Oh, sing oh...
Oh, sing oh...


La, la-la, la-la, sing your life
La, la-la, la-la, sing your life


Don't leave it all unsaid
Somewhere in the wasteland of your head, oh
Head, oh, head, oh, head, oh
And make no mistake, my friend
Your pointless life will end
But before you go
Can you look at the truth ?
You have a lovely singing voice
A lovely singing voice
And all of those
Who sing on-key
They stole the notion
From you and me
So, sing your life (sing your life)
Sing your life (sing your life)

INFP

Hey...so apparently I'm an INFP...which actually kind of fits me pretty well.

I-Introvert
N-Intuition
F-Feeling
P-Perceiving

I've been going to these career counseling things trying to figure out what to do when I graduate and what my options will be for someone with a Bachelor's in English with a minor in writing. I'd really love to just write for a living but I know that takes some time. Books are my passion so anything surrounding them would be nice too. Then there's the teaching option which I keep circling back to. I just really want to be able to do something I love to do and get paid to do it. My job right now is far from ideal but I've stuck with it because of circumstances. I can't do it forever nor would I want to.

Maybe I'll post more about this INFP thing later. The Meyers-Briggs test is definitely an interesting measuring tool and seems to be fairly accurate. Well at least I have this summer to try and get things all straightened out...I'll be taking one class and then I should have my degree after that. I can't wait. It's odd to feel excited and a little scared at the same time but I do...though excitement definitely dominates.

I always wonder why...?

This just breaks my heart...To everyone involved...you're in my thoughts and prayers

Nikki Giovanni

I am now getting into a lot of Nikki Giovanni's poetry. It is beautiful. She's got a way with words..I especially like this poem right now:

The Butterfly

those things
which you so laughingly call
hands are in fact two
brown butterflies fluttering
across the pleasure
they give
my body



This poem is short but she does an excellent job of comparing a person's touch with butterflies. I just love it. This is something I would like to do better in my own poetry!

This is Just to Say

This is Just to Say...

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold.

--William Carlos Williams

SPIDERMAN

Maybe Dats Your Pwoblem Too
by Jim Hall

All my pwoblems who knows,
maybe evwybody's pwoblems is due to da fact,
due to da awful twuth dat I am
SPIDERMAN

I know, I know.
All da dumb jokes:
No flies on you, ha ha,
and da ones about what do I do wit all doze extwa legs in bed.

Well, dat's funny yeah. But you twy being
SPIDERMAN for a month or two.
Go ahead.

You get doze cwazy calls fwom da Gubbener
askin you to twap some booglar
who's only twying to wip off color TV sets.

Now, what do I cawre about TV sets?
But I pull on da suit, da stinkin suit,
wit da sucker cups on da fingers,
and get my wopes and wittle bundle of equipment
and den I got flying like cwazy
acwoss da town fwom woof top to woof top.

Till der he is.
Some poor dumb color TV slob
and I fall on him and we westle a widdle
until I get him all woped.

So big deal. You tink when you
SPIDERMAN
der's sometin big going to happen to you.

Well, I tell you what.
It don't happen dat way.
Nuttin happens.
Gubbener calls, I go.
Bwing him to powice,
Gubbener calls again,
like dat over and over.

I think I twy sometin diffunt.
I tink I twy sometin excitin like wacing cawrs.
Sometin to make my heart beat at a difwent wate.

But den you just can't quit being sometin like
SPIDERMAN
You SPIDERMAN for life.
Fowever.
I can't even buin my suit.
It won't buin.
It's fwame wesistent.

So maybe dat's youwr pwoblem too, who knows.

Maybe dat's da whole pwoblem wif evwytin.
Nobody can buin der suits, dey all fwame wesisten.
Who knows?

Give us a Kiss

Awww....kinda scary when you think that his paw is just about as big as her head if not bigger...but so sweet!



Happy Six Years to Dan and me!!

cars...

so, from the wreck...this is what happened to my beloved Jaws....





i Loved that car....and now that i think of it it felt more and more like a part of me. it's stupid how attached we humans become to objects like that...but i was very attached. i love how it looked. i love how it drove. i loved the interior space. i didn't love the cd player that would sometimes eat my cds or how the breaks have squealed ever since they were put on a lil while back or even how the trunk would sporadically pop open, not to mention the finicky car alarm. but i loved that car. and now its totalled cuz of some jeep!

so, car shopping today. got one. don't love it. shouldn't you feel excited about a new car? well...a used-new car anyway? I don't. in fact, this whole day has me feeling emotionally raw. it's just a car, for pete's sake!! and the new one is nice...has a nice outside, a decent inside, and appears to run well. but i'm not stoked. in fact, as we were purchasing i was trying to think of when i could trade it in for something else. bad i know. but what am i to do? it was buy a car today or keep paying for a rental which no one can afford. and now even dan's getting out of sorts. i don't need this. i feel like just staying home now and doing nothing but sleep. i don't know what my deal is but i don't need anyone else making things harder for me. i keep thinking i should be happy...its newer than the corolla...has lower miles and better gas mileage...but i'm still in stupid-human-loses-her-car mourning. I don't think i'm ready for a whole other commitment to a car...i drive it and it doesn't feel like home and i wonder if it would protect me like the corolla did. silly silly silly, but i don't care. call me overly emotional, i know that i am. call me stupid for not appreciating a nice car, trust me i want to appreciate it more. but right now, i just want...

Random Youtube finds

Couple of random things on youtube

An odd johnny depp song...



monkey taunts two tigers...classic fun! It's good for a laugh

Just nifty

OKGo
The treadmill dance...it's great...makes me wish I had eight treadmills to set up and play around on!

Just one day

Ho hum

Thanksgiving's over now...turkey's are much safer...maybe. Next up, Christmas. With only a month to shop for it I'm thinking of what to get people. Nothing spendy, that's for sure. Not that I wouldn't like to buy everyone a spendy gift, but having little money really impacts that decision! So, I'm brainstorming now...have a few ideas...need a few more.

Oooh ohh...Pirates! The fifth...can't wait. Sorry...the commercial was just on.

So...there's a web comic that a classmate mentioned. I checked it out. It's kind of entertaining, actually. Cheshire Crossing

Hmm...what else? well I just found one of my school books from high school, something I passed around to people to write in. It's a blast looking through all that they've written. I miss Yam though, the foreign exchange student from Thailand. She was so sweet. Looking at it kinda makes me miss high school, but then I remember that it was high school and no longer miss it. Oh, and if anyone knows Sophia Perez, let me know...I'm constantly trying to find her again. She was a good friend, you know? But I have found a lot of old friends I had on myspace. It's neat and kinda crazy. Our lives are constantly changing and we aren't the same people we were...and that's not a bad thing.





Well, time to work on my paper. Catch ya later.

--A

the time's upon us

So it's down to the wire
and stresses abound

actually not too bad now, one paper down...maybe a couple to go.


What I'm not enjoying is the cold, crappy weather. Sure it's nice sometimes...when you can sit in a nice warm house, drinking tea, with nothing hanging over your head. You sit there and watch the rain come down and the wind blow through the trees.

But, when you have to go out in it...it isn't nearly as enjoyable. The cold creeps in no matter how much you cover yourself. The rain either hits you or soaks the bottom of your jeans and your jacket. And if its windy it's even worse. It whips right through you. A strong wind? Say goodbye to your umbrella, if you've got one.

It's nothing new though. Portlanders deal with the rain. Coastal folks deal with the rain. It's almost always there, and yet I never failed to get pissed off at it...dread it's coming...and wish it to go away. The same old annoyances and nothing new.

Well at least I got this pretty picture a while ago...

My First Term at PSU...in the Spring

flooding, quake, belief

come dive in puddles with me...and today we could...literally.

so...after flooding and earthquake, however minor, here I am...and I am tired! Busy busy day...but I was at work listening to John Mayer...I find I have to listen to somewhat relaxing music at work as it keeps me a little less stressed while I'm there (cuz my job tends to get me worked up at times). Anyway...I was just listening to his music and started thinking a little about his song 'belief'

here are the lyrics...

"Belief"

Is there anyone who
Ever remembers changing their mind from
The paint on a sign?
Is there anyone who really recalls
Ever breaking rank at all
For something someone yelled real loud one time

Everyone believes
In how they think it ought to be
Everyone believes
And they're not going easily

Belief is a beautiful armor
But makes for the heaviest sword
Like punching under water
You never can hit who you're trying for

Some need the exhibition
And some have to know they tried
It's the chemical weapon
For the war that's raging on inside

Everyone believes
From emptiness to everything
Everyone believes
And no ones going quietly

We're never gonna win the world
We're never gonna stop the war
We're never gonna beat this
If belief is what we're fighting for

What puts a hundred thousand children in the sand
Belief can
Belief can
What puts the folded flag inside his mother's hand
Belief can
Belief can



here's what I think...

the first verse has some truth to it as usually if your mind is set, then your mind is set. This is unfortunate because an open mind seems better than a closed one. but, case in point, sometimes at PSU there are the people with the signs condemning everyone to hell unless they repent. Now, I am not an avid church-goer, but I do believe in God. I don't think I'm going to hell because a sign says I will, and I don't think that those who choose not to believe in "our God" (whomever 'our' may indicate) are necessarily going to hell either. So there you have it, one sign did not change my beliefs. and that sam sign did not make me stop and consider their argument either. The second part of that verse just makes me think that people generally don't like to be singled out. We go with the flow, follow the crowd. Unless the topic is something we are passionate about, people generally don't stray outside their comfort zone.

The refrain part is true...we all have ideas of the way things ought to be run and if something completely adverse to our idea of things happen, then we don't sit back and watch it happen. Of course, this isn't always true...because when things aren't going my way I have been known to merely grumble about it.

The second verse is very visual. belief's an armor...that works. we use it to defend ourselves to others and to ourselves. we use it to defend other's actions. the problem is that we fight with it...people don't like to accept they are wrong...actually more acurately : people don't like to admit that there isn't necessarily a 'right' and a 'wrong' and sometimes beliefs can hurt people and things you don't expect them to.

The third verse is basically saying that we'll sometimes use our beliefs to prove things to ourselves, not just others. People want to prove their 'right' and that's when trouble can happen.

the chorus has truth...beliefs are just that...beliefs. Everyone believes something different, so no one can 'win'. The whole world will never agree on the same thing....we are too diverse and that's not always a bad thing.

The last part is just sad. how many wars have been fought over different beliefs? isn't it safe to say that all of them have? and it has led to deaths...many many deaths.

I'm not saying that people are wrong to have strong beliefs. And I don't think this song is saying that either. What I think it's saying is that we need to be open to other people's beliefs...we don't have to accept them, and they don't have to accept ours, but people should be open. Look into all the arguments and all the sides. Then make your stance. War is a terrible thing. Our country is at war and I thank all those brave men out there defending us all. I just wish there was a different way...isn't there a different way? why do so many people have to die?

Rain Rain

Just can't get enough of that rain, can we? At least it hasn't been like last year...when no one was prepared for the first rains and all the gutters were clogged with leaves so roads flooded all over the place. Good times....ugh! Come on...we live in Oregon...Portland even...there's always rain! At least that hasn't happened yet this year.
Time to remember how to drive in rain again for most. Bring on the cold, bring on the wind, bring on the colds! It starts getting colder and that's all it takes for me to get a cold...
Then everyone complains about the rain...okay not everyone but most do. Say how much they hate it...and yet they've lived with it for years and years, most. I begin to think a part of us must like it to live with it for so long.

Yes, definitely umbrella season.

Pablo Neruda

Pablo Neruda's poems are so beautiful. He might have been a communist, but he knew how to write a poem! I need to get one of his collections...maybe when I have more money I will.

Sonnet 17

I do not love you as if you were the saltrose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straight forwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I live you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.


His words are simplistic, perhaps because they've been translated from Spanish, but they are beautiful and carry images and emotions that more flowery words couldn't possess. I love his elements of darkness as being connected to his love, though I'm not sure why. I wonder how many people feel that kind of love in their lives.